Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Loss of Innocence and then the return of it!


Tonight, after much consideration, I've decided to make an admission that I believe is important. Whether anyone reads this, doesn't read this, find strength from it, doesn't find strength from it... it really doesn't matter. But, I do think I should begin to attempt to put into words something that is VERY prevalent, but not often talked about.

The topic... sexual abuse.
The experience...complicated.
The end result...healing.

Ya know... I can't tell the world adequately enough, what it's really like from the inside. I am however, going to try. It's important. For those who have never been abused, it's easy to distance oneself and look at the situation quantifiably, as opposed to qualitatively. It's all fine and good to say "Oh, we need to do something" and "Those who have molested and abused young kids need to pay." But here's the question or rather questions...

#1- How do you even get someone to admit it? I can speak from experience in telling you that I didn't even remember I had been molested till I was 19. And I remembered all of the details in prayer. It wasn't by going to a counselor, and having them put it into my head that something happened to me. It was me, struggling to understand certain things that were going on, feeling helpless against it and wondering why I couldn't seem to control certain reactions to things. Then I started a timeline, hoping to extract some kind of pattern out of all the hopelessly dislocated strings of my life. In the course of doing that, I remembered... all of it. And I felt nauseous and sick and wanted to hide away from everyone. And I can tell you right now... the last thing you want to do when that type of clarity comes on you... is to tell ANYONE. However, because by some strange strength of will and the grace of God, I felt compelled to go to a priest and ask for help on where to go. They directed me to a counselor... which took me awhile to go towards. THEN, it took me years to even say the person's name out loud to myself. THEN, it took me years to admit it to anyone else. And I started with a sympathetic friend, who had gone through something similar. And even then, I couldn't say much, because I'd start to hyperventilate, faint, etc. in even broaching the subject. THEN, it took me years to even admit it to my family.. .who BY THE WAY were more focused on the loss of reputation, then on what happened to me,... to be of much help to me.

And I wasn't even molested by someone who is well known even in the small community I grew up in. People HATE this subject. In my experience, I'm accustomed to people talking A LOT about doing the right thing, and being "Courageous" enough to step up and name names. Truth is... they don't know jack diddly, and are RARELY willing to actually speak to a REAL victim and listen to what they're going through, how it's truly affected them, etc. etc. etc.

So warning to anyone reading this blog... I am going to tackle this issue. It will be uncomfortable. It will be difficult. It is however essential... if for no other reason, than to shed a bit more REAL light on what occurs to the interior of a person, when this type of crime occurs.

Out of encouragement, there is an upside to all of this. The upside is that healing is possible. Joy, appreciation, and spontaneous playfulness can all be brought back again. Innocence can be restored to a great degree. Reality can be beautiful and good. In fact, with God "all things are possible". And I can say that with full understanding of what this verse really means!! And that in itself is a miracle!! =)

On that note, I will say adieu for now ('cause I need a break). =)

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.

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