Sunday, March 25, 2012


(9.28.12- This is something i went through and wrote 6 months ago.  It feels safe to put it out there now, because my heart has already made a decision.  I protect love... For all of us. ;). But I do understand the questions of the heart, especially in those moments before the plunge.  This is for encouragement to those who wonder and worry that they wonder.)

Getting ready for a journey
but I don't know where.
First class or coach…
in my heart, it doesn't matter

It's like I'm there, but I don't know why
and I wonder where this is going
and I wonder why now?
because my heart is just as strong as it was before,
yet right next to it lies this other
who doesn't exist, yet does exist
but it shouldn't,
and i've taken measures to make sure
it doesn't fully exist except at a distance,
or when coincidence places us in each others' path… again
or when work… creates an opportunity that can't really be passed up
'cause when asked, I make excuses to not go
or if I know where he is, I avoid him
'cause I know where my heart rests, and there I stay
I know where God gives the grace, and I embrace it
He shines a light on a path, and I run along it.
I relish in it.
I find peace, tremendous joy and only growth.
It's a pair of glowing honey colored eyes that shine in the dark
and a pair of hands that send electronic volts of electricity in and through my body.
It's home and grapevines and the scent of mushrooms and berries.
It's plans and roots and rocks and music.
It's an everyday type of love mixed with dreams and whistles and laughter.

Why can't I shake this other sense?
That's similar… so very, very similar
yet different.
I noticed that when we first met… you gave me the same sense as my love
a simplicity, a clarity, a peacefulness
a sweetness and humbleness
that reminded me of only one person, the one I'm with...
that I thought only hunny bear possessed
that I felt only with him and no other
and yet??…

This sense that is connected to another
That knows when it shouldn't know
and feels when it shouldn't feel…
the sense of you feeling out towards me
How can it reside alongside...
in keeping with...
what I already possess?
What does it mean?
Does it mean anything?
If I ignore it, it comes back
And if I give in to it, I only wait
and it's a never-ending cycle that doesn't bear any fruit
so what's the point?

I pray for this person
have prayed for this person
for God to guide and lead them to wherever he wants
and I've prayed to be open either way
I've prayed for God simply to guide me,
to close all the doors that would keep me from His will
and to open all the doors that He desires, whenever He desires

Whenever He's opened the door towards this other
I've held back and not crossed the threshold
I've held to my position
and looked at God as though to ask "Why?" "Why now?" "Why here?"

God has also confirmed the path I'm on
soooo many times, and only sunshine follows me as I stay on it
I peacefully go on my way
but every so often, this sense overpowers me
and I just want to be free of it
because it complicates
it only complicates, yes?

Feels like a parallel universe
faith, music, kids, art, culture, wisdom, philosophy
and spirits that feel like they were created in the same space in heaven
they're so different, yet so very much the same
one more unobtrusive, one with little privacy
I thought such an easy decision, I prefer privacy
and Yet???…

Curiosity killed the cat
I remind myself of that so often
but I can't just ignore it any more
and I can't just give in either
So, I'm in a middle ground
of holding these things in my heart
and praying that God lay the grace before us all
to walk in the way that He shows
and to dwell in the spaces He's carved out for all of us
All of us with a calling
All of us with an expectation placed upon us
with roles to play and people to love

all I can see is now
all that I know is within my reach
and I won't move
unless a hand is extended to me in inspiration
Must be inspiration
I won't ask for it on my own
and certainly not right now
But know, my eyes are open
and it's for God to say where it goes
i trust He holds our hearts in His hands
and awakens them in the direction He envisions
I pray for you it's soon, and your patience is rewarded
Please pray for me, so I may too
fulfill the journey that's been laid out for me.
I feel you, though I don't want to
I sense you, though I can do nothing
I pray for you, so that only the best happens … regardless of how we feel
and I pray that we all remain faithful
to the inspirations that fill us all.

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