Thursday, August 27, 2015

Scala Santa

I saw you
I wondered
I felt
and became silent

warmth spread through my fingers
and time stopped
then it fell behind
then it flew forward

and all along, a beginning was outlined
of a future I couldn't dream of
a precipice I would come to know
a dream I'd become a part of
and a mission I'd step into, but never own

why me?
or why not me?
it matters not
in the end
but I do thank you
and I grasp the reins I might hold
for even a moment
I'll breathe into the present and the past and the future
and be still in the presence of being.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

"Mirrors" ...or Soulmates, part 2

The term "soulmates" can be an addictive word. You hear it all the time. Most people use it when asked why things didn't work out with their last boyfriend/girlfriend. "They just weren't my soulmate" "I'm looking for the ONE". A lot of people seem to have an ideal in their mind when they contemplate the idea of getting married. There is a fear of what will happen if you choose the "wrong" person. But who is that wrong person?

Well, when I was in my early 20's I came up with a list for what I was NOT looking for in a potential future husband. It's an obnoxious list, but it's good for me to expose the ridiculousness of it, so here goes!

Here's what my "wrong" person looked like when I was in my 20's:

#1- No Hispanics or Asians (I'm Hispanic and Asian). I was open to everyone else EXCEPT these ethnicities. Especially white guys. White guys with reddish-blond hair and light blue eyes. 
#2- No Artists or Artist types (Painters, Writers and certainly NO ONE associated with the Industry- meaning "Hollywood"). No models- all they care about is their own face and interests. Narcissists need not apply.
#3- No one from a "normal" intact family... they'd never understand my unorthodox/non-traditional background. In fact, they'd probably use it against me.
#4- They couldn't be based in California, specifically Los Angeles.  
#5- No one with a all-or-nothing attitude.
#6- No one with political aspirations.
#7- No one ambitious really. I liked beach bums.
#8- No Macho, "I'm better than everyone" type guy.
#9- No one under 5'8"(5'10" was my cut off point.)
#10- No brown eyes. Only blue, green, hazel or at most... pale brown. Maybe.
#11- No non-athletes or anyone who spends a lot of time indoors.
#12- No one I needed to be with someone with whom I could have deep discussion all the time.
#13- No jokers need apply. I needed a serious guy.
#14- Naturally, it was understood that I didn't want any atheists, agnostics, materialists, secularists or any combination thereof.

yeah... yeah, I know. I sound like a real pain-in-the-you-know-what. I was. I'll admit it. I was extraordinarily high maintenance. I pretty much insured myself against any really close relationships.  There were a lot of "opposites attract" type relationships but real intimacy was missing. Looking at that list, the main point I was making was that I didn't want to find anyone like myself or my Dad.  I wanted the opposite of what I knew. I basically wasn't at peace with myself or my background. I just wanted to hide my weaknesses and not have to deal with them. Talk about issues.

Fast forward to today. I am now married to:
#1- A Hispanic. In fact, he's so Hispanic that a few of his projects are IMMERSED in the culture. In fact, we actually have another home in Mexico near the beach. Go figure.
#2- An artist.... in fact, one of the more brilliant ones I've ever met. He's a Film/TV music composer who lives in the world of the abstract maybe 70% of the time. He's been doing that for 20+ yrs. By the same token, he's also one of the most practical people I've ever met.
#3- He comes from such a profoundly intact family, that about 50-70 (depends on the year) of his closest relatives hang out for a whole week on a beach together in the summertime. They've been doing this for over 50 yrs. It doesn't get more nuclear than that.
#4- He's based in California. In fact, because he is Industry... you got it.. .it's Los Angeles.
#5- He's just as all-or-nothing as I am. That's scary, but at least we share the same adventurous spirit.
#6- ok, maybe he's not political,... but he sure as heck knows how to lead and inspire people
#7- He's quite ambitious. But he's learning how to temper that ambition with God's will.
#8- He's definitely NOT Macho, but he is profoundly centered and sure of who he is and what he's about.
#9- He's 5'6" - 5'7"
#10- He has dark brown eyes that turn honey colored when he gets passionate about things
#11- He can be super athletic, but when we're in production we spend an insane amount of time indoors. We've been switching it so we can figure out ways to work outdoors... but we have a joke about the pasty white pallor and poundage acquired in post-production. We're more in shape now, but it was a struggle in the beginning.
#12- He is both very deep yet also very balanced in when to be light and not take ourselves so seriously. We joke and act like goofballs part of the time, are peaceful and quiet other times, and then engage in very deep conversations when it's organic and easy.
#13- He's a gas and a half. He is the other half of my funny bone. I've never been as bubbly/giggly as I have been with this one.
#14- He is a million and one other things that I would've never understood or learned about if I had held onto to my previous list of what I DIDN'T want.

The moral of the story is... I didn't know jack-diddly about what was best for me when I was younger. In fact, I probably ended up waiting longer then I needed to before getting married, but then again... I've always trusted God in His timing. The circumstances surrounding everything regarding my husband... were perfect. It would take too long to explain what that means, but let's just say that my belief that my God is the God of the Impossible was borne out to be true a million and one times from the moment I met him to this very living day.

I will admit, though, that the path to this was paved in humility and surrender. I've had to let go of all my preconceived notions on a very deep level. Thankfully, there has always been grace to push to the bottom of myself so I couldn't get away with being shallow. I don't like to swim on the surface and especially not with myself. That's a huge grace, that I try to thank God for everyday. I've learned mercy. I've learned mildness. I've learned to trust more instead of always following my inclination to question and being skeptical. As a result, I have been rewarded with everything I hope to know and more. I've learned to sit still and wait to hear the real truth in the bottom of my soul. It's too easy to try to block out what you don't want to hear. I've learned if I sit still long enough, it's easier to accept and receive the bottom line answers. I've learned to temper my ambitions with the knowledge that all I need to do is to move forward step by step with what God has given me to do NOW. It's not up to me to plan the future. It's for me to grow, to learn, to ground myself in truth... to ground myself in love.

I've discovered a true soulmate helps you do all of the above, and more than that... helps you discover the deeper destiny beyond it all. They're the one who helps to reveal both the best and the worst of yourself, so you can truly give ALL of yourself to God. Not just the pretty parts, but everything. A true soulmate is a profound mirror to where our hearts, minds and souls really reside. That's a good thing. In fact, it's necessary. How can I ever hope to be sanctified, if I live in a bubble of my own making? So instead, I have a mirror who thankfully happens to be my best friend and fellow adventurer in life. His intuition is bar none and when the chips are down, he's my anchor. He's not perfect and neither am I, but strangely enough... our weaknesses complement each other. We have to face things with each other. That's GREAT!! It's not healthy or w-holy or good to not be challenged. It's our job to have our characters strengthened. It's our job to learn how to be a fully fleshed out human soul, while helping someone else to do the same. We didn't come into the world perfect, but we can sure help each other to become perfected IN LOVE. Only commitment to God and our vows will teach that. It's a wonderful journey. For all those looking for their soulmates, ask God who that looks like. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Trust Him to matchmake us with the one who will take us to the heart of who we really are in His eyes. When God chooses that person, it will be equal parts balm and pain. Sometimes it'll hurt and sometimes it'll console... but you'll have someone to share that journey. Have faith. Trust. Expect to face all of yourself in the face of another. What you give, will be given back to you. If you give anger, you'll get anger. If you give gentleness, you'll receive gentleness... pour yourself out and hang on for the ride.... =)

"Kindness and truth shall meet; justice and peace shall kiss"- Psalm 85

(initially published 8/16/15)