Tick tock

fWell, looks like we got the other project with H. He called late the other night and confirmed it was a done deal. Woo hoo... trip to Israel this year. I was hoping for that. So looks like back to back projects, which is a good thing. Well, actually... back to back to back to back etc.(episodic, Concert Hall, doc., etc.). And just got another phone call for another project (record). Looks like it's going to be a lesson in juggling. Plus, I got hired for another project (doc.), so ... I again... really need to work on my time management skills. They've certainly gotten tighter, but need that much more tightening. Tonight, I still have to go through my theory and piano, as well as beginning the storyboard for the smaller video project. It'll be 30-40 min, so that will take a little bit of time. Or rather a lot of time. I only hope I can squeeze the deadline(s). Tick tock.

Is it wise to be juggling this many things? At least, I've re-
prioritized. It's not as bad as before. Now, it's mostly just music and video. And promotions. Which usually takes a bit of time. But at least, I get to use any writing skills I might have. =) That's a plus. I can sit there and beat a sentence to death, and at the end, feel a sense of finality in wrapping up a nice neat little package. LOVE that feeling. It's the same one i get when I'm writing a poem. Small, condensed, symbolic, metaphorical and packing a punch. Not like these ramblings...lol. The complete opposite.

So, the last few of days have been roller-coaster like. Computer goes down (which has all the main drives and app's), printer goes down (right in the middle of deadline! Typical!) Track down the parts, fix the computer, get a new printer, get a new project, start building the budget for that, Get back into media ministry projects, lose bank card, findout bank card turned into bank (how often does THAT happen? Thank you God for the protection!), Get back into music theory, find I'm not as rusty as I'm complaining I am (YAY!), make plans for the "future" (YAY!), feel yanked back into some sort of test in regards to that future, Get phone calls for more projects, catch up on old projects, ... the list goes on. But it's been GOOD!! Really good!

Timing seems to be tightening. God's protection catching all the balls we could possibly drop. And NYC around the corner. That'll be fun. Part working, part chilling. I like. =) I've missed NYC. It's been way too long. But all the hubbub!... if I didn't have mass and adoration, I think I'd be a goner. And temptation seems to always be around the corner. Thankfully, I know how to stem it. That's a blessing. Keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it orderly. One foot in front of the other, and stay reflective.

Dark-blue purple, and pale green are always intimates. Love the swirl.

INDEPENDENT LENS | STEAL A PENCIL FOR ME | Trailer | PBS

??

Every now and again, I'll have a particular type of experience. It's not one I talk about much, but it is one that I both puzzle and don't puzzle over, at the same time.

It started on the 19th, went through the 20th, then quieted from the 21st until today. Well, until last night specifically.

I believe anyone who has experience with intuition, might find this familiar. You know... that sense of being pulled out of your normal average day, and into a realm that's not what most would consider immediate. But it is very familiar.

So, here it goes...

A shimmer starts at the edge of my vision
the rumbling of a train rippling under my feet
kaleidoscopes tumbling images
felt more with the heart
than seen with mind or smooth-stretched skin

a simple knowing
in a vast chamber
a question asked
but unsure of answer
tension in reply to open eyes
frozen breath waiting to exhale

A distance awakens at the point of my finger
and shadows erupt from the stirring of my heart
shades of purple dance unmixing
lightened green blending
in a space ruled by One who sees it all

a gentle pulling
to the honey's heart
a sweeter misting
on a center part
breath is a sigh in awkward moment
next to knowing in winter's cry

Pulses move over terrains not made for man
mystery's challenge my use of words
careful stepping watch the cracks
meaning found in a whisper
curiosity tells the tale better than I

What is your question?
are you ready for sound?
Is it only an expression?
or reality being found?
Taking prisoner a dream caught unaware
can you make up your mind for devotion
or cast your care to a maze?

Spin not a deceit
Tell no lie to the void
Stay clear on path's awakening
and find your way beyond the dream...

Coraggio, Part 2

It's one of those things that sometimes i get a theme going in my mind, and it doesn't leave me for days.

Courage is one of those. The concept of it; the reality of it… has always had a massive impact on my life. It's been held up as the ultimate virtue, and I believe my entire wiring revolves around it on some level.

Understanding it correctly, I believe, will be a lifelong journey.

You know it's funny. Tonight, I ended up in this insane, intense discussion about marriage. It had to do with what is considered a "mistake" (in regards to choice of spouse), and what role does anyone have in determining if someone else is making a mistake or not. And while, it might not seem to have too much relationship with the whole concept of courage, my belief is that it has EVERYTHING to do with courage. Especially nowadays.

Having the courage to commit your life to someone …till death do us part… is an insanely heavy responsibility. I certainly don't take it lightly, and have spent the better part of my life attempting to purge myself of false notions of marriage, in order to "insure" that I wouldn't make a mistake in this area. I've worked hard to not just give in "just because" somebody seemed like a decent fit. I've known lots of wonderful, GREAT guys, but it's only been recently that I've actually been able to match my vision with a real person. I've been careful and hung onto the belief that God wouldn't tell me certain bits of information, if He wasn't going to insure that I end up with the right person. So, I've learned over time to draw serious boundaries, and know a lot about trying to not lead people on. I make stronger judgements than most. But the funny thing is… tonight I was actually accused of not making a strong enough judgement into someone else's situation. The key being… someone ELSE's situation. Well, I won't go into the specifics, as there are too many factors that you JUST had to be there for. Nevertheless, it keeps bringing me back to a centralizing point.

That point has to do with COURAGE. To lay the groundwork, I realize at this point in my life, that courage has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with God. That being said, the experience of calculating any number of risks into whether a situation will work or not; whether a relationship will work or not; runs a pale race into whether… God decides to effect HIS grace in any given situation or relationship.

I think of many situations, where I had an attractive, unusual, unique man in front of me and couldn't find that PEACE. Peace is usually a signal for me to let the door swing open. I've made lots of friendships, but have been reserved in large part. I can sit down and laugh and joke with all kinds of guys. I've NEVER been accused of being frigid. Not ever. But to be able to consider more?? It's a different story. And then grace stepped in, and all of a sudden it was natural. It was easy. It was like finding myself inside a house, when I'd never been inside one before. On the other side of the door. That is an experience that could never be manufactured. That's GRACE. It makes easy, what usually isn't.

I will NEVER ever ever ever… say that God has to do things a certain way. I can't. I know better. Time and time again, He's shown me that as many times as I might try to tally up a list of formulas and solutions, He has a million more possibilities that I can't even BEGIN to conceive of. That's a GOOD thing!!! It puts me in my place and reminds me that I'm not in charge. And it crystallizes a knowledge that COURAGE is a key component in any decision that is made. If you don't have courage, you run the risk of never allowing yourself the possibility for surprise, awe or wonder. It's to run the risk of relegating yourself to a life of stifled faith that will constantly rebel against human constraints. It's a mindset that can put severe limitations on God's ability to flow unimpeded in and through you.

Courage, enables you to believe. 'Cause I guarantee that a life of faith demands guts. It is NOT for the faint of heart. It pushes you to go BEYOND yourself constantly, and more often than not challenges each individual in the ways that is the most painful.

You know, it makes me think about a life-long prayer I've had. And by the way, I still hold true to it, thought it makes me groan to say it, as I am far more aware of the possible implications. The prayer is that I hope when I die, it'll specifically be FOR somebody else. Whether it's a red martyrdom or a white martyrdom, I don't want to die without it having some kind of positive effect on someone else's life and soul. I hope that when it happens, I'll help make it more possible for someone else to love God, love themselves, love others more. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are… I just want it to help somebody.

Now mind you, that's not me! I mean… I'm saying it, but it's not something I could generate on my own. Nobody could. Not really. The same way, no sane living person can stand at an altar nowadays and pledge themselves to be committed heart, mind, body and soul to another living person… on their own. It can't be done. Human instinct would overcome the marriage at some point, (technically, it's about 2-3 years), and the relationship begins to degenerate.

However, that's where GRACE steps in. That's where COURAGE steps in. It's the component that gives us the strength to swallow our pride, and SEEK to learn how to love the way God intends. And the cool thing is that He doesn't expect us to necessarily know how to do that. But He does expect us to try to understand, and to be willing to suspend our so called notions of how "I" would do things, in favor of what "we" can BE. Commitment is pure COURAGE. It means you know that love is bigger than you. Life is bigger than you. And it is based on SOMEONE, who made Himself a living example of real commitment. He not only gave us an example, but continually gives us HIMSELF, in order to fill us with His personality, truth be told.

It's like that movie "United 93"… one potential case study in what people might've done, regardless of whether or not it would even work. Now granted, there's a lot of speculation about what happened on that plane, but it was based on actual conversations with the families of the victims. The gist is this,… love is not a passive thing. It's a concrete decision that can physically effect other people. In this case, the speculation is that a group of people on a plane decided that if they were going to die, they sure as heck weren't going allow anyone outside the plane to die. They could've easily said "oh forget it. It's not going to matter anyway. We're all going to die at some point, what would it matter if I did anything. I'll just curl up here in the corner, as there isn't anything I can DO." They could've said that. But they didn't. And potentially, that decision could've had MASSIVE implications. Who knows if that plane was heading for the White House? Maybe. Or the Capitol Building. Maybe. (and I know what all the naysayers are saying. They're saying it was all a conspiracy, and completely made up etc etc. For all intensive purposes, I am completely disregarding that theory. I'm talking about courage and it's nature, not about political agendas.) In the end, love and courage made a powerful decision, and possibly protected us from a very different fate.

Love IS courage. In fact, the root of courage, is from the Latin "Cor". "Cor" means heart. The heart is at the root of courage. More than feeling, it is steadfastness and loyalty. It is a consistent beating of the heart that directs the flow of blood in such a way, as to ensure life throughout the whole body.

Making the decision to love one person above all other people (except God, of course!) is courage. Surrendering your individual likes, dislikes, wants, needs in favor of building MUTUAL likes, dislikes, wants and needs… can be absolutely heroic! I don't take it lightly, and when grace enters in and animates someone to give their life like that into someone else's hands… I have complete and total respect for that inspiration. Because that's what it is. Love is pure inspiration. Courage is inspiration. They are both GIVEN to us, and not something of our own creation. Either it's there, or it isn't. And if it's not… don't try to make it so. If it is, pray. And if it stays, pray harder. If in the end, it remains and there is nothing sinful or internally and/or externally disordered about it… chances are, God wants it. And will bless you.

Love… is …. pure power. Run like the wind towards it, and let it carry you to places untold!!

Courage and Fortitude

Well, today has been a more fruitful day. My bug is receding nicely (thanks be to God for antibiotics!!), and I was able to stay in a reality check state of mind all day. Granted, two near miss accidents helped me out with that. I'm just thankful for all the grace and protection today.

So there I was, driving down Colorado Blvd. at an even pace, and a lady in a parking spot decided to hit the gas and swerve right in front of me. I swerved to avoid her. The car next to me swerved to avoid me. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw and heard 2 other cars swerving and hitting the brakes. As it was happening, i was praying "Hail Mary, full of grace…" and miraculously found myself to have stopped less than an inch from her left front end. Her response?? To "gun it" even though there was NO room for her to maneuver and she shot past all of us as if nothing was wrong. ARRRAGGGGHHH!! Thankfully, everyone else saw it, and many of the cars in front of me honked at her. I was almost in a 5 car pile-up, but somehow all of the cars just BARELY missed each other. (Guardian Angels working overtime much?)

5 minutes later, I pulled into the bank to make a deposit, and when I got back in my car to pull out, I guess I was so rattled that I almost hit a car that was driving through the parking lot. Apparently, that was another near miss, as the expressions around me registered as shock. When I looked in my rear view mirror and hit the brakes, it didn't look like there was ANY space between myself and them. So, I pulled back forward into the spot to wait for the car to pass. And then… they didn't pass. They just sat there. For 3-4 minutes. And waved me out. I couldn't do it without hitting them. Finally, they continued through.

I was so happy to pull into the house a couple of minutes later, that I vowed to not leave the house again for the rest of the day (thankfully, I didn't have to). My poor guardian angels! They got me prime parking spots earlier in the day, and saved me from two separate accidents!!

So… as a result of these near misses, I've been thinking about Divine Providence all day. My head has been bouncing around music theory, piano and Divine Providence. It's a constant protection that I certainly don't deserve, but certainly always HAVE. The money is always there, the parking spots are always perfect, the timing on every good thing that has happened to me is always JUST RIGHT. Even my trials and struggles are perfectly timed. Why is God so good?? He even caters the circumstances around my difficulties to be perfectly balanced with whatever lesson I have to learn at the time, with all the protection necessary to allow me the freedom to make sense out of my weaknesses and imperfections so that I can correct them. How does that work?

So then my mind switches over to other events, and other situations. I know this might seem like the almighty ramble, but there is a cohesion between these separate events.

I was reminded today, also, of my old desires. When I was growing up all I could think about doing was working for the FBI in the field of forensic psychology. In fact, I assumed that would be my life. No family. Just me, my brain, a lab, criminal personalities and my co-workers. It was all I could visualize. Then one day, when I was 19, somebody suggested that maybe I should ask God what HE thought of that idea. It was about 4 years after my first conversion, so I took the suggestion seriously. I went into the adoration chapel and I asked God "Well, I know I've never asked you if this is something you want me to do, but since it was recommended, here I am. What do you think?"

I had just finished my first internship with the FBI, and had already declared my major as being Clinical Psychology. I would've had the references. Up the wazoo, actually!! The only adults I had relationships with outside of church… were ALL Agents. Heck, even one of the adults I went to church with and who got me into prison ministry… was an agent. My whole life up to that point had been agents, case studies, clinical psychology… the works. I had been a tomboy all my life, and could give a beating, just as well as I could take one. I was a mama bear in training who would've happily taken on the role for a much larger group of people, than blood relations. I was raised in that environment. I was primed for it. It was in my blood. Laying down your life, is a no-brainer, right?

What else could I be, than a protector for other people? Than a tracker of human dysfunction in order to disable them from hurting someone else??

But there I was… kneeling in an adoration chapel. And for the first time, I wondered if it was something God wanted me to do. I had given him my allegiance, so therefore, I had to get my marching orders from him, right?

"Papa… what would you like me to do? Do you want me to become an FBI agent?"

The loudest "NO" I have ever heard, ricocheted off the interior of my brain in a manner I have never experienced since. Shock ensued. Confusion. What does a person do, when everything they've been invested in, is all of a sudden knocked into smithereens??

Now, mind you, I've had the experience of the loud "YES" occur. In fact, it's happened many times and usually accompanies major decisions. So, he's given me the "courage" to accept it when he closes doors. But this one, really took the cake.

Then "it" started… a whole vision of what He wanted from me. What I saw asked more a sacrifice of me than I ever thought possible. He gave me marching orders all right, and all the courage I thought I had… withered in the face of it initially. I began to realize that it takes more courage to fight the interior battle, then it does to fight the exterior. Thankfully, being my father's daughter, my spirit was rallied and a new commitment was made. I would do it! Somehow, someway, no matter what obstacles I came across… I would FIND a way to do what he asked.

Fighting a bully threatening people in front of me, is MUCH, MUCH easier to deal with (and believe me, I have A LOT of experience doing THAT), then it is to deal with spiritual forces who work best in secrecy and darkness. Fighting off all the temptations and the weaknesses of my humanity, is a million times more difficult. Being diplomatic, when everything in me wants to draw a line in the sand, is pure penance! Putting myself in front of people as an artist and communicator inspired anxiety attacks. In the old day, the only time i got over it was when I was actually performing. Then it would go away. All of time would alter, and I'd be performing in this bubble that included everyone, but also kept me in a state of calm. But before and after??? I'd always be a basket case. Using my brain to figure things out… piece of cake. Unlearning all the ideologies that I had taken for granted as a given since BIRTH… insurmountable mountain. It would prove be the roughest journey I would ever undertake. In my case, it would take years to flip everything the other direction.

Along the way, I've discovered the power of Divine Providence. I've discovered that when God asks you to completely revamp your entire interior landscape, He never leaves you to do it in a vacuum. He provides resources, clarity, education, direction, guidance, support and most of all… a TON of love and protection. It's many, many years later, and He only proves Himself more and more as time goes on, NOT less. That is GRACE. Grace is always seeking to outdo Himself. He only increases in potency as time passes and the human person surrenders more. His protection increases.

A person can't be courageous without His protection. Courage is as flimsy as paper, if you don't have HIS complete and total backup. Courage is grace. It fortifies you from the inside out and not the other way around.

What good are any of our actions, if we are not GROUNDED in HIM?? We are nothing more than walking Pride sticks getting in the way of God's grace. When we pray, the angels have free reign to do all they are created for and the channel of God's grace is unimpeded by us, by cars, by bad intentions, by all that is harmful and destructive. AMEN!

Coraggio… strength of the heart. It has the power to move mountains (…hee hee… and cars!). =)

PROTECTION

In spirit's womb light fills a cavern

unbound by reality's confines

freedom's breath its walls

pillowed strength its halls

its limits unbroken passages

paving a sky without constriction

sinking into the tenderest oblivion

light eclipsing the brightest sun

Sweetness melting the hardest heart.