The Core

There once was a waiting becoming being
dreaming of dancing in the starlight
feeling everything like a whisper before speech
a poignant intensity rooted in the center
eyes towards open door where once there was nothing

Than twas more than a whisper
word echoing in stranger halls
experiencing comfort like what was once familiar
knowledge surpassing dreams preparing for a future
beyond something smoother than silk that once was deemed something

Swimming fondly carving deeply
curling in waves that wear away the sand
with relentless caring

Flipping silently whipping quietly
pouring in waterfalls that press away the rock
with persistent loving

For now is a moment for flying
a deeper peace than thought imagined
a jubilant rise of pure excitement
made to wash through souls like a blast of wind through the mountains

Deeper than the heavens,
rooted in the stars,
made to pass through our being…
melts the core of hearts.

Journey's beginning...

A tender sound echoes through a tunnel
a reminder of mind's eye before he spoke
distant tatters flutter to the ground
and a weight of joyfulness
drifts down to the bottom of my being

glowing strong in the depths of firelight
dancing round the cave of rhythm's soul
singing starlight into night's sky
and awakening a dawn
dreamt before moments left in fear

casting round like a child at play
I see eyes glittering in the dark
watching waiting seeking solitude
promised to be surrendered at day's door
a past type warning, keeps eyes on faith
and binds my feet to summer's path
awaiting nightfall surrounded by lanterns
lit for resting in midnight's charm
I lie awake though drifting
towards peaceful silent sleep...

Novena to Our Lady of Guadalupe

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary of Guadalupe, that in thy celestial apparitions on the mount of Tepeyac, thou didst promise to show thy compassion and pity towards all who, loving and trusting thee, seek thy help and call upon thee in their necessities and afflictions.

Thou didst promise to hearken to our supplications, to dry our tears and to give us consolation and relief. Never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, either for the common welfare, or in personal anxieties, was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence, we fly unto thee, O Mary, ever Virgin Mother of the True God! Though grieving under the weight of our sins, we come to prostrate ourselves in thy august presence, certain that thou wilt deign to fulfill thy merciful promises. We are full of hope that, standing beneath thy shadow and protection, nothing will trouble or afflict us, nor need we fear illness, or misfortune, or any other sorrow.

Thou hast decided to remain with us through thy admirable image, thou who art our Mother, our health and our life. Placing ourselves beneath thy maternal gaze and having recourse to thee in all our necessities we need do nothing more. O Holy Mother of God, despise not our petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer us. (Here mention your petition.)

Five Hail Marys...in gratitude for the four apparitions to Juan Diego and the one to Juan Bernardino.

For love, for vocation, for children, for Misa Azteca… for all the beauty in the world!!!!

Insanity

Moving like a raindrop
past the point of no return
a heart moves reality
to the voice of blessings urn

Scattered sunshine
broken clouds dot the horizon
Nebulous mist
overshadow patterned moonlight
Fragmented light
turn a shot into a negative
Folding night into a shape of its' own master

Dripping formless shadows
down a fading cliff of spades
a storm moves the ground
to the flick of hands serenade...

Recuperation

Well, it's been an intense summer and one of which I am quite proud. After a 10 day scurrying to pull together a Walt Disney Concert Hall performance, which was a huge success (YAY TEAM!), I immediately dove into a project for the summer involving inner city kids. 2 days after that, I then found myself immersed in a cable movie, of which I've only recently emerged in the last week. In the middle of all of that, I was handling a house renovation. Needless to say, it was NOT a relaxing summer. But I do have to say it was a deeply fulfilling one.

While there has been many moments, when I found myself screaming for mercy, I never once regretted being involved in the various situations. It felt as though everything was geared for me to grow in tremendous trust not only in God, but also to have faith in the resources I already have. While it's true, I am 100% a deep end of the pool kinda of gal, I really felt myself put to the test… and wondering "Can I handle this?" "Am I just insane, and maybe we'd all be better off if I just openly admitted it?"

But here's the thing… I LOVE ART & MUSIC, I LOVE KIDS, I LOVE HOMES, … and I love finding ways to make it all come together. Somehow, without me even trying, it all happened in the space of 3 months. Last week, I was sitting in a sound studio for 12-14 hours a day, and I was loving it. Well, maybe there was a bit of a love/hate thing going on there, but overall… I LOVE it. I love being a part of all the little decisions that make a movie look and sound it's very best. I love diving into all the details, and being able to to do all the things I can do with the music. It's hysterical, when the producers start arguing about the bird sounds at the beginning of the movie, and we're actually brainstorming on which bird sound from which movie, actually fits. I love dealing with laying in all the music, and finding a mix that rides in and out with the story arc and the characters emotions. It's like surfing a massive wave and finding ways to drop in and carve out an emotional space that allows the viewer to really immerse themselves in the story. I love witnessing the choices that decide how a scene gets cut, and making sure the pacing is just right… not too slow, not too fast… depending on what's being conveyed. I love being surrounded by artists who actually not only LOVE to tell stories, but actually KNOW HOW to do it. Who know how to plunge into the heart of what's being conveyed, and know how to trim all the fat off, so we're not wasting people's time with unnecessary plot lines, unnecessary emotions. And I wish people understood, how delicate an operation it is. Especially when you consider what it's like to stick a bunch of artists in a room, and be able to feel them all feeling each other… feeling you… feeling them. And everybody knows, and little needs to be said. For me, it's definitely home. Or at least one of them. =)

Story-telling and film-making, in particular is an art. Period. No, not just anyone can do it. You really do need to have a bunch of professionals who have been in the business and have dedicated their lives to refining the form. (albeit somewhat obsessively) I hear so many well-intentioned Christian and Catholics say, "Well, if Hollywood can do it, we can do it." But see, here's the thing. The protocols are there for a REASON. The actors… well, yes, they're important. Very important. But it won't matter how good they are, if the writing is bad (Ever seen "Escape from LA"?). And if the chemistry between the actors isn't solid, things fall flat and it's equivalent to throwing pepper and vanilla into a recipe for vegetables. They're all great things in and of themselves, but they don't necessarily GO TOGETHER. Everybody has to be vibing together and whether pre-production or post-production, the personalities involved make a HUGE difference on how well things are going to go. The way you shoot something matters. The angles matter. The lighting matters. The direction REALLY matters… as does the costuming, the locations, every person in the scene whether talking or not, every sound, every movement… alters the overall tone and sense of the story. It's not enough to HAVE a good story, you truly need to be able to TELL it. And you need to know how each choice will alter the overall impression.

I experience the same thing in my writing. Granted sometimes it inspires the merry spirit of procrastination to come rearing it's head, when I get intimidated over a decision for a character… or I'm over thinking my plot lines (because I can be obsessive that way). Nevertheless, creating a story requires a lot of faith, a lot of flexibility and overall… as I said before… a LOT OF SKILL.

So, a quick word to my fellow christians and catholics out there… it's wonderful to have good intentions and to want to come to Hollywood to change things. But you have to be clear on what it is that needs changing. Cause it's not the art form of movie-making that needs it. The story-telling mechanism that's been put in place is better than good… it's built on real skills and real talents. What needs changing is the spirit. The story is simply a tool. We simply need to understand how to utilize it. Yes, we need to know genre and we need to know character development. The formula's are there for a reason. And when it's all said and done, it's about story. Story not politics. Story not an agenda. How I LOVE IT! =)

The Lover

"My lover put his hand through the opening;
my heart trembled within me,
and I grew faint when he spoke.
I rose to open to my lover,
with my hands dripping myrrh:
With my fingers dripping myrrh
upon the fittings of the lock.
I opened to my lover --
but my lover had departed, gone.
I sought him but I did not find him;
I called to him but he did not answer me."

- Song of Songs 5: 4-6

Empty

There is an "empty" I seek to achieve, a blessed opening designed to receive.
It's not without form, and it's not without space, it's a place of surrender where I'm meant to spill.
It's not an ache and it's not a well, it's a sun strewn lake that's full of quiet and a restful spell.
Where light comes to abide and grace comes to dwell.

On Silence

So, I have this theory on silence…
it is vitally important.

Why is it important?
And do any of us really know what true silence is anyway??

For me, I live in Los Angeles. It's not exactly quiet. There's my work. Actually, I work at different things. One of my hats is acting as a composer's assistant/music editor/score production supervisor and everything in between. It's a life of music/film/concerts/meetings/coordinating… and more coordinating… and notes etc. Music is constantly being created, being marked, being organized, researched, learned, taught, being produced and being absorbed. Another hat is administrating a summer program for inner city kids. So, it's developing a summer curriculum, teaching, disciplining, baby-sitting, ministering, and every other little thing that comes with taking care of and guiding kids who many consider to be "disadvantaged". Many of them come from single family homes, or they come from abusive backgrounds. Many have no concept of boundaries, and generally, on some level they're neglected. It can be heart-breaking. Then, there's property management. I manage 2 properties. It's an education in learning the in's and out's of how to be a good steward of real assets. I love learning all there is to know about taking care of properties in the same way I love figuring out how to create a mechanism that'll help kids dream and work towards a better life; the same way I love being a part of a creative project that really seeks to excel artistically and professionally. It all pushes and challenges me, especially considering how somehow, I want to be a good person in the middle of it all and be a real example of what it means to be a godly woman. To show that there's a different way to do everything, and that you don't have to sacrifice quality in the process of attempting to do good. More importantly, to be good. Do I fail at any of the above?? All the time!!! Do I give up?? NO.

So the question is… when there's so much going on and so much noise being generated, how in the world is it possible to experience even an iota of silence?? There is an answer. Many people try to meditate, or do yoga. Me… I go to mass and adoration. If I miss it (like I did today), I feel dissonant.

Something I've learned about silence from mass and adoration… it's that it pervades your system. It quiets down the world and eventually turns it off. I actually FEEL it slow my heart rate down, to the point where I can feel it pound louder in my entire body. Silence feels like this roadway that opens up and gives you a direct channel to God. Then God pours Himself into you like this agent that alters your breathing pattern, crystallizes your thought, re-orients your brain, reroutes your impulses. Without silence, the pathway gets blocked off, and you can't operate at any real level. It's like Kanan Road to the beach during the rainy season and mudslides block off the road so cars can't pass through. Grace is completely cut off.

I feel like I wouldn't be able to do any of the above things I currently do, if I didn't take time out in the beginning of my day… for silence. For this quiet space, in which little to no sound is generated or received. Within it, my entire day is re-oriented, re-priorized, re-rooted and re-defined. It's too easy to get caught up in things, as well as get caught up in yourself to the point where you think it's all you when the truth is… it isn't you. It isn't me. Anything we say, do or feel begins somewhere. And that somewhere is not here. It's not even a place. It's someone.

Silence introduces you to that someone. Silence is this cushion of chamomile scented pillows drenched in sunny sweetness. It's silvery dark night enveloping you in silky comfort like your favorite blanket from childhood. It's warm milk flavored with honey and a dash of cinnamon on a night when you're not feeling well. It's a doorway to the deepest of hugs, and the most intimate of lovers. Love is not an "it". Love is a "who". Silence is… the doorway to Love Himself.

Thank you God for the gift of silence. Please help me to keep it safe and to nurture it everyday. Amen!

"In darkness, and secure,
by the secret ladder, disguised,
- ah, the sheer grace! -
in darkness and concealment,
my house being now all stilled."- St John of the Cross.

Netherworld

In this capsule of time, our hearts beat a Question
A marking of An era where waiting breeds hope
When death leads to faith
And life leads to strength
What bell chimes the hour of lovers meeting?

While a moment had passed, and I sought to falter
A waving of the hand meant only to ponder
When surprise lead to fear
And shock led to closure
What sign would you seek to draw closer?

Mystery's always a game
One of which i'm not master
A simple soul is all I am
Whose only search is for sun's rising
Smiling down in a moment of quiet
Giving peace where I've no creation
No door left shut and locked
Till the time comes to plight my troth

So be the moment if called upon
May your heart lead to where He wills
But if by chance a question rises
That needs response to further fill
The quest your soul is made for
This time is made to find that rest
Made real by spirit's passage

I know not the answer, but this i can say
My questions are just as alive as yours might prove, I pray

She

On the Feast of the Visitation, 3 years ago, I wrote a blog on Our Lady of Guadalupe. At the time, I wanted to pay a simple homage to Mary. It was one that I felt was warranted, after an unusual experience 2 years ago. I was still living in Michigan at the time, and had little to no idea of where I would be by April of 2009. However, I did know that my time was up in the Midwest. And I couldn't see myself staying past Easter. As it turned out, Providence conspired to get me back to California by Divine Mercy weekend. I packed up my crazy red van and left Easter morning for a cross-country trip home.

On the way over, I felt that special tingling, which told me something very good was about to happen. I didn't know what form it would take, but I had a suspicion. In fact, I had more than a suspicion… I had an outright vision. Along with this vision, was a plea to God to let me have at least a year of getting settled, before starting on any new adventure… relationship or otherwise. Of course, I knew He was laughing at me over this request, but I had to at least try.

When I arrived in Los Angeles on Divine Mercy saturday, I went to go visit my buddy, Aaron. As I walked into his home in San Gabriel, I felt that strange sense of deja vu. When I walked up to the piano in the front room, I found a piece of music that was being worked on. It was titled "Kyrie". My hands began to tingle. So out of curiosity, I began to play it. As I played it, I had an experience I rarely have when encountering a piece of music for the first time. My heart began to pound a strange rhythm and I started crying. Yes, … crying.

Now, granted, I love poetry and beautiful things, but I rarely get so emotionally affected in the moment. In fact, I tend to have a delayed reaction to situations. Granted this reaction can be deeply intense, but again… it's usually wayyyy AFTER I have an experience. I am rarely overwhelmed. As a result of this, when I do feel overwhelmed, I KNOW I'm supposed to pay attention.

I felt as though, I was surrounded by eternity and all the angels and saints. It was as though, I was being given the most profound "green light" of my life, and much of me was actually afraid of it. But I did know… that I needed to meet the man who wrote that music. Period. Statement of fact. I felt tremendously nervous yet profoundly peaceful at the same time. An odd mix to say the least.

I knew I would meet him that day, even though, I was told he was out of town. And when my friend Aaron got a call back from him mentioning that he would hang out with us that night, I wasn't surprised at all. Aaron was surprised. Maggen was surprised. But I wasn't. I remember my friend Maggen, turning to look at me and saying… "you're getting one of those 'feelings' again, aren't you?" I just shrugged and didn't say anything. I think in part, because I couldn't breath.

Well, I did meet him… and we talked non-stop for hours… in fact, until almost 2-3 in the morning. We lost complete track of time and track of everyone else for that matter. There we were at "Catholic Underground" surrounded by a ton of people and they all disappeared. All I remember was sitting on a bench and chatting and laughing with him, and every now and again being slightly aware that we were attracting attention of some sort, but I was oblivious to the details. Well except someone coming outside and asking us politely "Could you please keep it down? We're trying to watch a movie." Ooops. Were we laughing that loud? Losing track of other people…. That never happens to me. Or rather, it HAD never happened to me till that point.

I know it's hard to see how Guadalupe ties into this, so I'll try and speed forward a bit. That man… told me about his musical piece. And the more I have learned, the more in shock I feel about everything I've experienced over the last… oh, maybe 20 years. I mean, I thought I had experienced that kind of shock before. (In Rome, as well as other times and places.) I thought I was "used" to strange, surreal experiences. Little did I know that all the rest were just preparation for "this" one.

I read the little post I wrote about Guadalupe a few years ago, and I look to my left at a book that contains poems written by the Nahuatl people both pre and post Conquest, and I shake my head over how much of a grace it is to have access to what I know NOW about Guadalupe. I feel as though, I've stepped into this Sacred zone, where everything is possible and nothing is beyond reach. In fact, this has become beyond personal. I'm looking at documents and translations that literally NOONE HAS. We (this gentleman and I) are the first people to come across this information and piece it together the way we have and it is AWE-inspiring. It is intimidating!!! ... and I pray, pray, pray… we'll be given the grace and opportunity to share it with the world. Be it God's will, that is.

As time goes on, the confirmations only increase, not decrease. Today, I had lunch with my abuelita… and as I listen to her stories of Tlaltelolco, and Cuba, and the various countries and people she's had the privilege of being close friends with… I realize again, that God is a weaver of dreams that I can't even come close to understanding. I'd like to try, but truthfully, I want to get on my knees and just thank Him for being such a masterful planner, organizer, composer, and engineer of souls, of hearts. The MASTER ARTIST!

May I have the privilege of learning from YOU, my God!! There are truly NO WORDS!!!!

love,
me

A Cloak for the Princes

"I wonder where i can get some good sweet flowers. Who will I ask?

Let me ask the quetzal hummingbird, the jade hummingbird. Let me ask the troupial butterfly…

They're the ones who know; they know where the good sweet flower bloom.

Let me wander through this flower grove of roseate swans.

That's where they're bending with sunstruck dew. That's where they blossom in beauty.

Perhaps I'll find them there.

…If they showed them to me, I'd gather a cloakful, and with these I'd greet the princes,

With these I'd entertain the Lords." - Cantares Mexicano, Song 1, Folio 1, verses 2-13


"So I fill my cloak with these sundry flowers, these heart pleasers, these delight makers.

I say, "I wish one of our comrades would come here with me. I wish I could carry off a great many.

But I've gotten the information. And when I arrive I'll spread the word among our friends."

-Song 1, Folio 1v, verses 7-10

Translated from the Nahuatl, and written PRIOR to the Spanish conquest.

OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE, PRAY FOR US!!!

Female Apparition Song- Guadalupe

For those who appreciate Our Lady of Guadalupe, a Nahuatl song from the Cantares Mexicanos, in honor of her. …………


Song 56 Female Apparition Song

21 Çan ca tlauhquecholtlapalayauhtimani a oncaan y ye mochani tisanta Maria ayia yeoo ayia yeha
23 Y Çan ca xiuhquechol nepapan tototl chachalacaya yca tontlatlauhtilo yani tisanta Maria
25 Y iano yaho yiahue a ihuic temoc san Gabriel ye quitemohui oo a ynic tlatlauktiloya a y Santa Maria. Ave maria an o ticihuapille tlatocacihuapille yxquickcapaya timitzontotlaçoyectenehuiliya ho


Song 56, folio 38v, verses 21, 23, 25
CM pp. 258-259

21 There’ a crimson mist of roseate swans there beyond in your home, Santa Maria.
23 Turquoise swans, all the birds, are cackling. And this is how you’re prayed to, Santa María.
25 Ah, it’s San Gabriel who’s come down from where she is. She’s sent him down so that she, Santa María, can be prayed to. Ave María! O lady, noble lady, right here we’re praising you with love.

Tick tock

fWell, looks like we got the other project with H. He called late the other night and confirmed it was a done deal. Woo hoo... trip to Israel this year. I was hoping for that. So looks like back to back projects, which is a good thing. Well, actually... back to back to back to back etc.(episodic, Concert Hall, doc., etc.). And just got another phone call for another project (record). Looks like it's going to be a lesson in juggling. Plus, I got hired for another project (doc.), so ... I again... really need to work on my time management skills. They've certainly gotten tighter, but need that much more tightening. Tonight, I still have to go through my theory and piano, as well as beginning the storyboard for the smaller video project. It'll be 30-40 min, so that will take a little bit of time. Or rather a lot of time. I only hope I can squeeze the deadline(s). Tick tock.

Is it wise to be juggling this many things? At least, I've re-
prioritized. It's not as bad as before. Now, it's mostly just music and video. And promotions. Which usually takes a bit of time. But at least, I get to use any writing skills I might have. =) That's a plus. I can sit there and beat a sentence to death, and at the end, feel a sense of finality in wrapping up a nice neat little package. LOVE that feeling. It's the same one i get when I'm writing a poem. Small, condensed, symbolic, metaphorical and packing a punch. Not like these ramblings...lol. The complete opposite.

So, the last few of days have been roller-coaster like. Computer goes down (which has all the main drives and app's), printer goes down (right in the middle of deadline! Typical!) Track down the parts, fix the computer, get a new printer, get a new project, start building the budget for that, Get back into media ministry projects, lose bank card, findout bank card turned into bank (how often does THAT happen? Thank you God for the protection!), Get back into music theory, find I'm not as rusty as I'm complaining I am (YAY!), make plans for the "future" (YAY!), feel yanked back into some sort of test in regards to that future, Get phone calls for more projects, catch up on old projects, ... the list goes on. But it's been GOOD!! Really good!

Timing seems to be tightening. God's protection catching all the balls we could possibly drop. And NYC around the corner. That'll be fun. Part working, part chilling. I like. =) I've missed NYC. It's been way too long. But all the hubbub!... if I didn't have mass and adoration, I think I'd be a goner. And temptation seems to always be around the corner. Thankfully, I know how to stem it. That's a blessing. Keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it orderly. One foot in front of the other, and stay reflective.

Dark-blue purple, and pale green are always intimates. Love the swirl.

INDEPENDENT LENS | STEAL A PENCIL FOR ME | Trailer | PBS

??

Every now and again, I'll have a particular type of experience. It's not one I talk about much, but it is one that I both puzzle and don't puzzle over, at the same time.

It started on the 19th, went through the 20th, then quieted from the 21st until today. Well, until last night specifically.

I believe anyone who has experience with intuition, might find this familiar. You know... that sense of being pulled out of your normal average day, and into a realm that's not what most would consider immediate. But it is very familiar.

So, here it goes...

A shimmer starts at the edge of my vision
the rumbling of a train rippling under my feet
kaleidoscopes tumbling images
felt more with the heart
than seen with mind or smooth-stretched skin

a simple knowing
in a vast chamber
a question asked
but unsure of answer
tension in reply to open eyes
frozen breath waiting to exhale

A distance awakens at the point of my finger
and shadows erupt from the stirring of my heart
shades of purple dance unmixing
lightened green blending
in a space ruled by One who sees it all

a gentle pulling
to the honey's heart
a sweeter misting
on a center part
breath is a sigh in awkward moment
next to knowing in winter's cry

Pulses move over terrains not made for man
mystery's challenge my use of words
careful stepping watch the cracks
meaning found in a whisper
curiosity tells the tale better than I

What is your question?
are you ready for sound?
Is it only an expression?
or reality being found?
Taking prisoner a dream caught unaware
can you make up your mind for devotion
or cast your care to a maze?

Spin not a deceit
Tell no lie to the void
Stay clear on path's awakening
and find your way beyond the dream...

Coraggio, Part 2

It's one of those things that sometimes i get a theme going in my mind, and it doesn't leave me for days.

Courage is one of those. The concept of it; the reality of it… has always had a massive impact on my life. It's been held up as the ultimate virtue, and I believe my entire wiring revolves around it on some level.

Understanding it correctly, I believe, will be a lifelong journey.

You know it's funny. Tonight, I ended up in this insane, intense discussion about marriage. It had to do with what is considered a "mistake" (in regards to choice of spouse), and what role does anyone have in determining if someone else is making a mistake or not. And while, it might not seem to have too much relationship with the whole concept of courage, my belief is that it has EVERYTHING to do with courage. Especially nowadays.

Having the courage to commit your life to someone …till death do us part… is an insanely heavy responsibility. I certainly don't take it lightly, and have spent the better part of my life attempting to purge myself of false notions of marriage, in order to "insure" that I wouldn't make a mistake in this area. I've worked hard to not just give in "just because" somebody seemed like a decent fit. I've known lots of wonderful, GREAT guys, but it's only been recently that I've actually been able to match my vision with a real person. I've been careful and hung onto the belief that God wouldn't tell me certain bits of information, if He wasn't going to insure that I end up with the right person. So, I've learned over time to draw serious boundaries, and know a lot about trying to not lead people on. I make stronger judgements than most. But the funny thing is… tonight I was actually accused of not making a strong enough judgement into someone else's situation. The key being… someone ELSE's situation. Well, I won't go into the specifics, as there are too many factors that you JUST had to be there for. Nevertheless, it keeps bringing me back to a centralizing point.

That point has to do with COURAGE. To lay the groundwork, I realize at this point in my life, that courage has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with God. That being said, the experience of calculating any number of risks into whether a situation will work or not; whether a relationship will work or not; runs a pale race into whether… God decides to effect HIS grace in any given situation or relationship.

I think of many situations, where I had an attractive, unusual, unique man in front of me and couldn't find that PEACE. Peace is usually a signal for me to let the door swing open. I've made lots of friendships, but have been reserved in large part. I can sit down and laugh and joke with all kinds of guys. I've NEVER been accused of being frigid. Not ever. But to be able to consider more?? It's a different story. And then grace stepped in, and all of a sudden it was natural. It was easy. It was like finding myself inside a house, when I'd never been inside one before. On the other side of the door. That is an experience that could never be manufactured. That's GRACE. It makes easy, what usually isn't.

I will NEVER ever ever ever… say that God has to do things a certain way. I can't. I know better. Time and time again, He's shown me that as many times as I might try to tally up a list of formulas and solutions, He has a million more possibilities that I can't even BEGIN to conceive of. That's a GOOD thing!!! It puts me in my place and reminds me that I'm not in charge. And it crystallizes a knowledge that COURAGE is a key component in any decision that is made. If you don't have courage, you run the risk of never allowing yourself the possibility for surprise, awe or wonder. It's to run the risk of relegating yourself to a life of stifled faith that will constantly rebel against human constraints. It's a mindset that can put severe limitations on God's ability to flow unimpeded in and through you.

Courage, enables you to believe. 'Cause I guarantee that a life of faith demands guts. It is NOT for the faint of heart. It pushes you to go BEYOND yourself constantly, and more often than not challenges each individual in the ways that is the most painful.

You know, it makes me think about a life-long prayer I've had. And by the way, I still hold true to it, thought it makes me groan to say it, as I am far more aware of the possible implications. The prayer is that I hope when I die, it'll specifically be FOR somebody else. Whether it's a red martyrdom or a white martyrdom, I don't want to die without it having some kind of positive effect on someone else's life and soul. I hope that when it happens, I'll help make it more possible for someone else to love God, love themselves, love others more. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are… I just want it to help somebody.

Now mind you, that's not me! I mean… I'm saying it, but it's not something I could generate on my own. Nobody could. Not really. The same way, no sane living person can stand at an altar nowadays and pledge themselves to be committed heart, mind, body and soul to another living person… on their own. It can't be done. Human instinct would overcome the marriage at some point, (technically, it's about 2-3 years), and the relationship begins to degenerate.

However, that's where GRACE steps in. That's where COURAGE steps in. It's the component that gives us the strength to swallow our pride, and SEEK to learn how to love the way God intends. And the cool thing is that He doesn't expect us to necessarily know how to do that. But He does expect us to try to understand, and to be willing to suspend our so called notions of how "I" would do things, in favor of what "we" can BE. Commitment is pure COURAGE. It means you know that love is bigger than you. Life is bigger than you. And it is based on SOMEONE, who made Himself a living example of real commitment. He not only gave us an example, but continually gives us HIMSELF, in order to fill us with His personality, truth be told.

It's like that movie "United 93"… one potential case study in what people might've done, regardless of whether or not it would even work. Now granted, there's a lot of speculation about what happened on that plane, but it was based on actual conversations with the families of the victims. The gist is this,… love is not a passive thing. It's a concrete decision that can physically effect other people. In this case, the speculation is that a group of people on a plane decided that if they were going to die, they sure as heck weren't going allow anyone outside the plane to die. They could've easily said "oh forget it. It's not going to matter anyway. We're all going to die at some point, what would it matter if I did anything. I'll just curl up here in the corner, as there isn't anything I can DO." They could've said that. But they didn't. And potentially, that decision could've had MASSIVE implications. Who knows if that plane was heading for the White House? Maybe. Or the Capitol Building. Maybe. (and I know what all the naysayers are saying. They're saying it was all a conspiracy, and completely made up etc etc. For all intensive purposes, I am completely disregarding that theory. I'm talking about courage and it's nature, not about political agendas.) In the end, love and courage made a powerful decision, and possibly protected us from a very different fate.

Love IS courage. In fact, the root of courage, is from the Latin "Cor". "Cor" means heart. The heart is at the root of courage. More than feeling, it is steadfastness and loyalty. It is a consistent beating of the heart that directs the flow of blood in such a way, as to ensure life throughout the whole body.

Making the decision to love one person above all other people (except God, of course!) is courage. Surrendering your individual likes, dislikes, wants, needs in favor of building MUTUAL likes, dislikes, wants and needs… can be absolutely heroic! I don't take it lightly, and when grace enters in and animates someone to give their life like that into someone else's hands… I have complete and total respect for that inspiration. Because that's what it is. Love is pure inspiration. Courage is inspiration. They are both GIVEN to us, and not something of our own creation. Either it's there, or it isn't. And if it's not… don't try to make it so. If it is, pray. And if it stays, pray harder. If in the end, it remains and there is nothing sinful or internally and/or externally disordered about it… chances are, God wants it. And will bless you.

Love… is …. pure power. Run like the wind towards it, and let it carry you to places untold!!

Courage and Fortitude

Well, today has been a more fruitful day. My bug is receding nicely (thanks be to God for antibiotics!!), and I was able to stay in a reality check state of mind all day. Granted, two near miss accidents helped me out with that. I'm just thankful for all the grace and protection today.

So there I was, driving down Colorado Blvd. at an even pace, and a lady in a parking spot decided to hit the gas and swerve right in front of me. I swerved to avoid her. The car next to me swerved to avoid me. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw and heard 2 other cars swerving and hitting the brakes. As it was happening, i was praying "Hail Mary, full of grace…" and miraculously found myself to have stopped less than an inch from her left front end. Her response?? To "gun it" even though there was NO room for her to maneuver and she shot past all of us as if nothing was wrong. ARRRAGGGGHHH!! Thankfully, everyone else saw it, and many of the cars in front of me honked at her. I was almost in a 5 car pile-up, but somehow all of the cars just BARELY missed each other. (Guardian Angels working overtime much?)

5 minutes later, I pulled into the bank to make a deposit, and when I got back in my car to pull out, I guess I was so rattled that I almost hit a car that was driving through the parking lot. Apparently, that was another near miss, as the expressions around me registered as shock. When I looked in my rear view mirror and hit the brakes, it didn't look like there was ANY space between myself and them. So, I pulled back forward into the spot to wait for the car to pass. And then… they didn't pass. They just sat there. For 3-4 minutes. And waved me out. I couldn't do it without hitting them. Finally, they continued through.

I was so happy to pull into the house a couple of minutes later, that I vowed to not leave the house again for the rest of the day (thankfully, I didn't have to). My poor guardian angels! They got me prime parking spots earlier in the day, and saved me from two separate accidents!!

So… as a result of these near misses, I've been thinking about Divine Providence all day. My head has been bouncing around music theory, piano and Divine Providence. It's a constant protection that I certainly don't deserve, but certainly always HAVE. The money is always there, the parking spots are always perfect, the timing on every good thing that has happened to me is always JUST RIGHT. Even my trials and struggles are perfectly timed. Why is God so good?? He even caters the circumstances around my difficulties to be perfectly balanced with whatever lesson I have to learn at the time, with all the protection necessary to allow me the freedom to make sense out of my weaknesses and imperfections so that I can correct them. How does that work?

So then my mind switches over to other events, and other situations. I know this might seem like the almighty ramble, but there is a cohesion between these separate events.

I was reminded today, also, of my old desires. When I was growing up all I could think about doing was working for the FBI in the field of forensic psychology. In fact, I assumed that would be my life. No family. Just me, my brain, a lab, criminal personalities and my co-workers. It was all I could visualize. Then one day, when I was 19, somebody suggested that maybe I should ask God what HE thought of that idea. It was about 4 years after my first conversion, so I took the suggestion seriously. I went into the adoration chapel and I asked God "Well, I know I've never asked you if this is something you want me to do, but since it was recommended, here I am. What do you think?"

I had just finished my first internship with the FBI, and had already declared my major as being Clinical Psychology. I would've had the references. Up the wazoo, actually!! The only adults I had relationships with outside of church… were ALL Agents. Heck, even one of the adults I went to church with and who got me into prison ministry… was an agent. My whole life up to that point had been agents, case studies, clinical psychology… the works. I had been a tomboy all my life, and could give a beating, just as well as I could take one. I was a mama bear in training who would've happily taken on the role for a much larger group of people, than blood relations. I was raised in that environment. I was primed for it. It was in my blood. Laying down your life, is a no-brainer, right?

What else could I be, than a protector for other people? Than a tracker of human dysfunction in order to disable them from hurting someone else??

But there I was… kneeling in an adoration chapel. And for the first time, I wondered if it was something God wanted me to do. I had given him my allegiance, so therefore, I had to get my marching orders from him, right?

"Papa… what would you like me to do? Do you want me to become an FBI agent?"

The loudest "NO" I have ever heard, ricocheted off the interior of my brain in a manner I have never experienced since. Shock ensued. Confusion. What does a person do, when everything they've been invested in, is all of a sudden knocked into smithereens??

Now, mind you, I've had the experience of the loud "YES" occur. In fact, it's happened many times and usually accompanies major decisions. So, he's given me the "courage" to accept it when he closes doors. But this one, really took the cake.

Then "it" started… a whole vision of what He wanted from me. What I saw asked more a sacrifice of me than I ever thought possible. He gave me marching orders all right, and all the courage I thought I had… withered in the face of it initially. I began to realize that it takes more courage to fight the interior battle, then it does to fight the exterior. Thankfully, being my father's daughter, my spirit was rallied and a new commitment was made. I would do it! Somehow, someway, no matter what obstacles I came across… I would FIND a way to do what he asked.

Fighting a bully threatening people in front of me, is MUCH, MUCH easier to deal with (and believe me, I have A LOT of experience doing THAT), then it is to deal with spiritual forces who work best in secrecy and darkness. Fighting off all the temptations and the weaknesses of my humanity, is a million times more difficult. Being diplomatic, when everything in me wants to draw a line in the sand, is pure penance! Putting myself in front of people as an artist and communicator inspired anxiety attacks. In the old day, the only time i got over it was when I was actually performing. Then it would go away. All of time would alter, and I'd be performing in this bubble that included everyone, but also kept me in a state of calm. But before and after??? I'd always be a basket case. Using my brain to figure things out… piece of cake. Unlearning all the ideologies that I had taken for granted as a given since BIRTH… insurmountable mountain. It would prove be the roughest journey I would ever undertake. In my case, it would take years to flip everything the other direction.

Along the way, I've discovered the power of Divine Providence. I've discovered that when God asks you to completely revamp your entire interior landscape, He never leaves you to do it in a vacuum. He provides resources, clarity, education, direction, guidance, support and most of all… a TON of love and protection. It's many, many years later, and He only proves Himself more and more as time goes on, NOT less. That is GRACE. Grace is always seeking to outdo Himself. He only increases in potency as time passes and the human person surrenders more. His protection increases.

A person can't be courageous without His protection. Courage is as flimsy as paper, if you don't have HIS complete and total backup. Courage is grace. It fortifies you from the inside out and not the other way around.

What good are any of our actions, if we are not GROUNDED in HIM?? We are nothing more than walking Pride sticks getting in the way of God's grace. When we pray, the angels have free reign to do all they are created for and the channel of God's grace is unimpeded by us, by cars, by bad intentions, by all that is harmful and destructive. AMEN!

Coraggio… strength of the heart. It has the power to move mountains (…hee hee… and cars!). =)

PROTECTION

In spirit's womb light fills a cavern

unbound by reality's confines

freedom's breath its walls

pillowed strength its halls

its limits unbroken passages

paving a sky without constriction

sinking into the tenderest oblivion

light eclipsing the brightest sun

Sweetness melting the hardest heart.